Garbage Day: Pirates of the Carribean 2 & 3

Written by Shawn Lotte July 18, 2011

 

Welcome to Garbage Day, where I Doctor Lotte will talk about things that I don’t like, and some things I do, but mostly I will talk about shit. Relax, enjoy and don’t forget to take out your trash.

Today’s Garbage: Pirates of the Caribbean 2 and 3.

I hate these movies, but sure enough a lot of people love them. I don’t get it. These two movies are the most bizarre popular things out there next to Justin Beiber. I don’t understand. They are both over-produced by having everything jammed in there to make the masses happy, and they are far beyond convoluted. They are so fucked up that I have created a new word for their confusing storylines: CONVOLFUCKLUTED! Both movies are convolfuckluted! Yeah I like that.

The movies are not as sick as this picture

Anyway, the 2nd movie made me mad because I had no idea what was going on. There were too many stories going on and too many double crosses. I tried watching it a second time and I was still lost. Oh, and I will not accept that complexity is a good thing because movies are about storytelling, and one of the main things that make movies entertaining is being able to understand the story. If you told your child a bedtime story and made it confusing then chances are your child would not like it; in fact, the child would probably grow up to be a serial killer, but I digress.

He saw both Pirates movies and now look, serial killer??

The 3rd movie, which by the by I went into thinking, “Maybe the 2nd movie was a fluke,” was just as fucking confusing and convolfuckluted. Now with Barbossa in the movie, there were far too many characters running around backstabbing each other, and worst of all, don’t advertise that Chow-Yun-Fat is a sword fighting pirate, and then kill him off in the first half hour WITHOUT SEEING HIM SWORD FIGHT!!! What the fuck.

See the sword in his hand, yeah he doesn't use it. BALDERDASH!!!!

The problem with these movies is that they are products of something I call the “Hollywood Machine.” A device created by corporations that take movie ideas and strip them down to their bare concepts and re-create them with clichés and concepts that the machine believes are accessible to all audiences. It’s Hollywood’s way of getting more money, but what you get are movies that are forgettable, or riddled with too many ideas to the point where they are exercises in repetition. The Pirates movies are just this: products made to get your money. They offer nothing novel or insightful, fun or thrilling, but rather everything you liked in the first Pirates movie multiplied by 20, and you might like that, but to me too much of a good thing can make you throw up: like eating too many tacos, but really you throw up and your girlfriend dumps you.

I searched "Hollywood Machine" in Google images and this is what I got. I think it's very suiting, don't you?

P.S. I did not see the new one because I had stipulations that the movie did not agree to: 1. Has to be 90-110 minutes in length. 2. Not be confusing as all hell (now I haven’t seen it but the trailer tells me there is too much going on for it to be a simple tale). 3. NOT BE IN 3D!!!!!!! I hope you had fun getting your money taken from you.

Love, Shawn

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2 Comments

There are currently 2 Comments on Garbage Day: Pirates of the Carribean 2 & 3. Perhaps you would like to add one of your own?

  1. Josh Litman

    For the record, I thought Pirates 2 was awesome. The 3rd was a little screwy, though.

    …and while Pirates 4 was kinda meh, at least it was easier to understand.

  2. Josh, for the record, I hate your face.

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