Quick Video Game Review: Splatterhouse! (You know, that game for kids)

Written by Shawn Lotte February 11, 2011

SPOILER WARNING! Seriously, I ruin shit in here so don’t read and get mad at me.

By: Shawn Lotte

Summary: A remake of 1988 arcade game in which a man, Rick, must save his girlfriend Jenny from the evil Dr. West by equipping himself with an item known as the Terror Mask. With the mask on, Rick can punch, smash, squash, hug, tickle, and cleave in to the entire monster population that inhabits West Manor. On top of saving his Girlfriend, Rick must also stop Dr. West from summoning creature’s known as “The Corrupted” who are bent on destroying the world.

Sound like a game you want to play? Read on curious party.

PROS

–       This is a VERY gory game. Seriously kids, you ARE NOT allowed to play it. Fine, play it, but don’t tell your mom I said you could.

–       The story offers some interesting turns and a few surprising moments. Add too that there is a very well done cut scenes, and you get an above average story written by Judge Dredd writer Gordon Rennie.

–       The voice acting is not too bad, with many quips coming from Jim Cummings who does the voice of The Terror Mask. If you don’t know who Jim Cummings is then here are a few voices he is known for: Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, and every other character in the animated world. Seriously I’m not kidding, look him up.

–       Fun combat when it’s not pissing me off.

–       Boss battles are polished, for the most part, and offer a fun challenge coupled by some gory finishers.

–       You get to collect naked pictures of your girlfriend Jenny. Yep, that’s right. This game is full on embarrassment for any gamer. Don’t let any prospecting girls see you play this, or for that matter, don’t let them see you play “Bayonetta” either.

–       The game feels like the “Evil Dead” games or “Ghosthunter” for the PS2. What I mean is that it may be flawed, and not amazing, but it is still a ton of fun to play.

–       YOU GET ALL 3 ORIGINAL SPLATTERHOUSE GAMES.  This game is worth 60 bucks just for that.

CONS

–       Um, where to start, well the game feels rushed and unfinished. I feel bad for all parties involved because they must have known that this game was not finished, and needed more time, but it had to make its money back so they sent it out with broken everything.

–       Music from previous battle sections plays over cut scenes, which is very jarring.

–       The game can be difficult, I think this is due to the hit detection being off, and the enemies are super cheap. Good luck with those blue fuckers cause they suck, and so do the controls.

–       Voices are sometimes quiet, or fade out into the hard rock soundtrack, which is irritating when you’re trying to listen to what people are saying.

–       Load times suck, but if that’s not enough, if you die, you have to go through the load process again.

–       Combos are useless for the most part, and never feel like they are any more powerful than the usual mashing of buttons.

–       Disappointing end boss fight. Like you don’t even fight him, you catch his foot and run around his body. That’s it. When your climax comes down to a quick time event: BOOOOOOOOOO!

–       You get to collect naked pictures of your girlfriend Jenny, which is a CON cause it makes me feel like a pervert.

OVERALL:

Look, I want to like this game, hell, I want to LOVE this game. The sad thing is I can’t. I grew up with the “Splatterhouse” games of yore, and this game, although channeling many things I love about the 2D games, is not those games. There are good things about the game, things that surprised me, but I think I was rationalizing due to wanting to love this game. I hope to God that they try again, I hope every “Splatterhouse” fan goes out and buys it, plays through it, gets what enjoyment they can, then revert to playing the classic games instead. If enough people buy it then maybe we will see a sequel, but it looks grim. Very %#&% grim.

Rating: 5.5/10

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