Garbage Day: Spider-man 3

Written by Shawn Lotte July 11, 2011

Welcome to Garbage day! A weekly column by me Shawn Lotte. When I was told I would have a weekly column on this website here I thought that the audience would want to get to know me a little better. Sure, some people who are reading this might know me, but maybe out there some don’t, and picture me as some awesome god-like being who seethes about many things. Not true, I like many things, but we’re not here for that rubbish. No, we are here to talk about movies I fucking hate. Really fucking hate. We are not talking about movies that I don’t recommend but rather movies I hate on a personal level. The movies in question are not just bad, but insulting. They take what is considered good cinema and trash it for bullshit reasons like: money, pretension, and lowest common denominator. I hate these movies, and while I list them here you will get an understanding of the writer I am, or the person I am, or how fat I am ’cause right now I’m 215 pounds. Fatty

Forward by Shawn Lotte [divider /]

Shawn Eats Films for Breakfast: “Spider-man 3”

Let’s go back to the past, says Doc Brown, and look at the “Spiderman” films namely Spidy 2. I have often argued that “Spiderman 2” is the best superhero film to date, and as much as I love other movies like “The Dark Knight” and “X-men 2” I can’t stop coming back to how important and awesome the second film was. It was shot with the a style that was unique, it told an interesting story that strayed away from clichés and it was packed with drop dropping action. After seeing the second movie I could not wait for it’s third counterpart.

I was so excited about the film, but a few months before it’s release I found out who the villain was going to be: Venom. “Oh shit.” Not a good “oh shit” but rather an “ah fuck, this might not be good.” It’s not that I don’t like the Venom character, I really enjoy some of this story arch’s from the comics, but I never felt he fit in the Raimi Spiderman films. I was worried about the movie not, but the only was for me to know for sure if it was going to be good was to wait until it’s release.

Wow! Now does this guy not scream, "I'm the most vicious villian ever?" No, well maybe he should've stayed in the mask.

On a side note, there is no worse feeling in the world than jumping on Friday morning and finding a movie your excited about having a low score. Spiderman 3 would get a 63%, but I felt this was low and was worried about how I felt about it since most critics I read hated the movie.

I would say something like, "Wouldn't it be weird if there was a Spiderman Musical?" But you know.

On the night of seeing the 3rd film, I was with friends and loved ones, who after the film needed to console me from the shitfest garbage pile that was Spiderman 3. I remember some of my friends saying the film wasn’t soooo bad, at which point I did a rolling upper cut to their face. The movie was soooo bad. In fact, it was an insult to everyone who loved the first and second films and could not wait to see how the story ended. The movie added in bullshit plot lines that came out of some asshole like: Sandman killed uncle Ben, WTF? It forcefully jammed in complex characters through Deus ex Machina type devices: Venom did not drop from the sky; he came from a suit created for Spiderman during the Secret Wars, duh!

I've never read it, but I know my shit...yo.

And then had the audacity to throw in a new device called a “BERNERD” (Copyright Shawn Lotte). This new device is when a character named Bernerd The Butler comes in and tells Harry information that HE SHOULD HAVE TOLD HIM IN THE FIRST FUCKING MOVIE!!!!! Are you fucking kidding me? I really hate this movie, I hate how it’s over produced, I hate how Sam Raimi lost control of a series that was his baby, and I hate how they are rebooting now. HOLY SHIT HOLLYWOOD let the dead rest.

Love, Shawn Lotte

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  1. Gee wliliekrs, that’s such a great post!

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