WHAT SHOULDA HAPPENED: Alternate Movie Scenes Thought Up

Written by Barfoot April 02, 2011

A lot of people who meet me will right away be able to tell that I am naturally a very distractable person. Once I get caught up thinking about something else, that something else will plague my mind until it is replaced by another something else, soon to be replaced by another something else, and lo and behold even though I sat down to write an essay I’ve ended up arguing with my mother on the phone about what methods a horse would use to effectively eat an ice cream cone. (Answer: pay a tall squirrel in big nuts to hold the cone.*)

Jingle All the Way

So when I watch a movie oftentimes I’ll wonder how a scene could have gone differently and how much funnier that different scenario would be than the one I’m viewing. Take, for example, “Jingle All the Way” with Arnold Schwartzenegger. At the end when he’s dressed as Turboman in the big parade and gets to choose a kid from the crowd to come up to the float with him, he points to his son Jamie. His son and his little fat boy neighbour have a short argument over who Turboman has pointed to. Arnold goes “JAMIE!” and calls his son by name, then he fights Sinbad.** I just think it would make more sense if Arnold (who at this point is so fed up with his son’s stupid Turboman obsession that won’t last any longer than a month and that’s caused Arnold insane amounts of stress and pain and almost tore the family apart and his neighbour came onto his wife and shit), just to spite his bratty little kid, pointed at the fat kid instead and went “YOU! FAT BOY! I CHOOSE YOU!” Just to rub it in his little assface kid’s assy farty face. And then of course Arnold goes on countless adventures with the fat neighbour and they become best friends and love each other forever and ever. I’m just saying, that scenario makes more sense to me.

The 6th Day

Here’s another one: In “The 6th Day” (yes, you are detecting a trend and yes, I often wonder how Arnold movies could have been different) at the end post-climax when Arnold and his clone decide that the clone needs to fly away and start a new life in Argentina but not before he gets to say his goodbyes to his daughter and wife, while watching I wondered why the clone didn’t psychologically mess with the family just to leave the true Arnold with a mess to clean up, y’know? I mean, how fair is it that I have to fly away to stupid Argentina and never see my family again while you get away scot-free?*** This is why I think instead of hugging his daughter and saying goodbye (keep in mind the family has no idea what’s going on), Clonegger should have told the daughter she was adopted! Not only will true Arnold have to do damage control on both the kid and the wife, that daughter will wonder forever if she is in fact adopted or if that was her dad’s idea of a sick fucking joke. Either way those scars will never heal. Might as well clone her and erase her memory!

OKAY so what I’m saying is through this article I’ve learned a thing or two about myself: if I were any of Arnold Schwartzenegger’s chaacters from any of his movies, I would be more spiteful and would happily fuck with the people who unintentionally inconvenience my life. Now THAT’S what an action hero should be all about!!!!!!!!

Other Alternate Endings

Yogi Bear

LOST

 

*LOL! Big nuts.
**Who fucking KILLS in that movie, by the way. I’m never making fun of Sinbad again, that dude’s a phunnie motherphoquer.
***Did I do that right? Is it Scott-free, like there’s a douchebag named Scott running around and if things are Scott-free then they’re douchebag-free? Or is it scot-free like the paper towels? What does that have to do with anything? I digress. Scroll back up and carry on.

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  1. nice. and love the LOST alternate ending vid haha