Movie Review: “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” – Based on a True Story

Written by Pam-Marie Gx June 24, 2012

Yet another book-turned-movie, “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” surprisingly recounts the story of Abraham Lincoln (played by Benjamin Walker) if vampires existed and had a vested interest in the slave trade. The movie manages to blend a fair amount of historical accuracy and inaccuracies while having, as a good friend once said, “its tongue so far in its cheek that it looks like it’s sucking a giant [edited due to explicit content].”

Four Score and Seven Years Ago…

We begin with good old Abe recounting the story of his life, beginning with the first time his overly righteous personality destroys the lives of innocent bystanders. In this case, it is his parents who pay for his earnestness, starting off the film with a horrible mom-death. I was certain this wasn’t a Disney production, but I suppose they don’t have the entire monopoly on orphaning the main character as a plot device. This is also where we find out that vampires both exist and are kinda bad-ass. No hiding in the darkness or being subtle for these monsters.

We then skip ahead to the meeting of Henry, who follows the time-old tradition of the mildly epic montage. While this sequence is the beginning of the over-the-top-ness that defines this movie, it falls short of actually playing the montage song from “Team America: World Police“. Anyway, as expected, Abe becomes super-awesome Vampire Hunter in a surprisingly short period of time, and then moves to a random place that apparently has a rather serious infestation.

Silliness Ensues

Now, that’s as far into the plot as I really want to go. Let’s just say that it gets considerably more ridiculous from there, adding a bunch of new characters, including the predictable love interest, Mary Todd (who is several levels of adorable). Once Abe gets into politics, it gets a little… dull. He fights against Wash on the point of slavery, is the only character who ages for some unexplained reason, and we jump right into the American Civil War (which you may have heard of). While mildly important, much of the historical stuff is kinda fluffed over in favour of vampires running the slave trade.

The whole vampires and slaves thing is a bit strange. There’s something about black people being delicious mixed in there, and Abe goes from righteous indignation about the whole thing to just wanting revenge for his dead mom and back. It’s a bit odd and hard to decide whether he really cares about slavery or just really really hates vampires. I suppose you could argue that the initial incident indicates the former, but I spent most of the movie feeling a bit sad about the number of random plot holes and unexplained occurrences.

Vampires Live Forever, but Legends Never Die

[Note: Yes, that is from “The Sandlot.”] There is one thing “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” does well, and that is over-the-top fight scenes full of bullet time. Seriously, this movie has almost an obscene amount of bullet time, especially considering the distinct scarcity of guns and the fact that it is in no way “The Matrix”. That aside, it’s easy to get a bit carried away by the general awesomeness of watching Abraham Lincoln kick some serious ass. The climax even has him old, bearded and wearing his hat, which makes it all even more fantastic.

To be fair, you can’t go into a movie called “Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter” and not expect it to be over-the-top and ridiculous on several levels. You could argue that they go a bit too far on the satire at moments, but overall it’s not a bad movie (well, it is, but it’s bad in a good way). So is it accurate? Not at all. Is it silly? Very much so. Does it still make for a fun movie? You bet your non-sparkling ass.

My Rating: 7/10


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About Pam-Marie Gx

Pam-Marie Gx

Reader, writer, student, movie-goer, drinker of rum - Pam-Marie is all these things, and more! She has a large appetite for both media and caffeine, and spends most of her time with some sort of electronic device close at hand. You can follow her on Twitter @PamMarieGx. She may even occasionally be amusing.

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