Movie Review: “Osombie”—Call of Duty: Modern Zombies

Written by Brent Holmes May 26, 2012

There is a scene in one of the episodes of “Community” where several of the characters get together to make fun of really bad movies. While most of the group are able to crack hilarious jokes about the low quality of the film, one of the group is awkward and unable to get a good one liner off—”Osombie is that guy.

“Osombie” has a hilarious premise—Osama Bin Laden has come back as a zombie to lead an army of the undead into Afghanistan. This film could have been the mother of all zombie parody films up there with “Shaun of the Dead” and “Zombieland”. Unfortunately, the film doesn’t headshot its comedy target and misses the “so bad it’s good” classification.

 

This film will barely gnaw on your brains

The problem with “Osombie” is that it takes itself way too seriously. In between badly edited action sequences that could be taken from a “Call of Duty” game, there are lengthy sections of exposition in which characters spout off pointless dialogue that shuffles between attempting to be meaningful and emotional to trying to mimic Tarantino-style dialogue.

Barks but lacks bite

The film follows a group of soldiers who have chosen to stay behind to fight off a zombie apocalypse in Afghanistan after NATO countries have decided to pull out. The soldiers are made up of a group of characters who are made dynamic individuals such as the guy who can’t keep his shirt on (Corey Sevier), the British bloke (William Rubio), and the hot chick with a sword (Danielle Churchran).

When the team captain decides to see how many virgins he will get by suicide bombing a group of zombies—while wearing the group’s only radio—the soldiers must travel through zombie territory to acquire with extreme prejudice new radio equipment from the terrorists hiding in the mountains.

The soldiers are not alone, they soon come across Derek (Jasen Wade), a conspiracy theorist who believes Osama Bin Laden is still alive. (He also probably believes that Obama was born in Africa.) His sister, Dusty, (Eve Mauro) has come out to Afghanistan to find him and stop his mission to kill Bin Laden, again.

 

Better to fade away than to bleed out

For a zombie movie, “Osombie” is pretty tame. There are evidently no Rhodes in Afghanistan, only Taylor Lautner wannabes. The zombies are typically taken down by headshots with lousy special effect gore and the humans suffer little more than a few small bites despite Shirtless McConaughey practically begging to have his internal organs on display. The only thing to get violently mutilated by this film is the viewer’s intelligence.

The sad thing about “Osombie” is that it could have been a really funny movie. However, writer Kurt Hale doesn’t milk Osama for all he is worth, it’s almost like the film deliberately cuts back on its politically incorrect humour because making a film about one of the most wanted terrorists is “too soon.” As a result, the film’s comedy has more trouble “Stayin’ Alive” than Robin Gibb and after this film Director John Lyde will be applying to Apple to fill their “Jobs” opening.

 

72 Virgin(Daiquiri)s

Ultimately, “Osombie” could be a film that a group of comedians could sit around and tear apart but there is not a lot of gory internal organs to work with and sadly, the film doesn’t get stupid enough to justify throwing plastic spoons at the screen. Realistically, there is only one way to watch “Osombie”: drunk.

The “Osombie” Drinking Game

Take a Drink every time:

  1. Somebody shoots a zombie while two other characters are talking
  2. A zombie comes from behind
  3. Somebody takes his shirt off or is not wearing a shirt at the start of a scene
  4. Somebody mentions 9/11
  5. Whenever Osama Bin Laden’s death is questioned
  6. A character starts killing zombies to release pent up emotions
  7. A zombie is killed without removing the head or destroying the brain

Finish your drink when:

  1. An explosion kills all of the remaining zombies in the area
  2. A character dies or is turned into a zombie
  3. Two characters are not wearing shirts

Follow these rules and “Osombie” may be a bearable film, otherwise don’t risk being able to remember this film when you wake up in a stranger’s house with an STD and tiger in the bathroom.

My Rating 1.5/10

 

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About Brent Holmes

Brent Holmes is a Film Studies and English Major attending Huron University College at the University of Western Ontario where he is working towards a PhD in Film Studies. He currently writes for We Eat Films and The Western Gazette (on the latter, he serves as Arts & Life editor).

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