Movie Review: “Piranha 3DD” – What Were You Expecting?

Written by Jesse Gelinas July 18, 2012

*WARNING: Plot ending spoilers below*

I will give the producers behind the latest installment in the killer fish genre one thing: They’re unbelievably straightforward. I saw “Piranha 3D”, and I got to see some really terribly rendered piranhas in 3D. I saw “Piranha 3DD”, and I got to see some really terribly rendered piranhas in 3D. Plus boobs. Hollywood could learn a thing or two from this system. Slap the plot right into the title and save everyone the time and money it costs them to pay to see your shitty movie. It’s the revolution the movie industry has been waiting for, and we owe it all to a movie where a guy gets his dick bitten off while inside a woman. But we’ll get to that.

So, if you didn’t gather the plot from the title alone, a year after the first film the always pleasantly slimy David Koechner is organizing the grand opening of his new and improved water park, ‘Big Wet’ when his stepdaughter shows up to work there for the summer. The park has all the trimmings of a family park: kiddie pool, water slides, volleyball, and a fenced off section featuring naked bi-curious women in hot tubs for your amusement. You know, for kids! Unfortunately, a dead cow belonging to Gary Busey shits out a  shitload of piranha eggs and after a giant explosion, some obligatory skinny-dipping, and a visit to Doc Brown himself, the hungry fish make their way from the lake to the water park’s pools. You can’t write this stuff, but apparently somebody did.

“I ain’t afraid of no punk-ass water.”

I honestly didn’t know quite what to expect when I saw this one. I had previously seen the first film in the new series in theatres, and was surprised with the direction they chose. The film took itself semi-seriously and obviously spent a great deal of its budget on making the gore as realistic and stomach churning as possible. Elizabeth Shue was her normal, charming self, and Ving Rhames killed fish with a speedboat motor. 3DD went a slightly different route. While there is not a single moment in this film that even tries to play out with a straight face, it did kill a lot of children. Christopher Lloyd was his normal, over the top self, and I’m fairly certain a good chunk of the budget went to convincing David Hasselhoff to run topless in slow-mo again, and god, is it still a sight to see.

Fun Fact: Gary Busey didn’t know he was making a movie.

This movie was what I expected the first movie to be, but since the first movie ended up having a couple redeeming qualities I was very disappointed in how this one turned out. I thought I knew what to expect with a title like “3DD”, but honestly I was let down. The fish are still there, and as ridiculous as ever. There are boobs, but actually much fewer than you’d expect. And most of them aren’t even Double-Ds! Who are they trying to fool here???

The film plays out like it wants to be a satire of itself, but it’s so poorly made that it just comes off looking worse than the crap it was trying to make fun of. The dialogue is stupid, and not even amusingly so; the acting is wooden, the effects are cartoonish, and the Ving Rhames shotgun-leg scene only lasts about 20 seconds. I got gypped.

Oh how the mighty have fallen.

“Josh cut off his penis because something came out of my vagina.”

Oh yeah, so about halfway through the movie this guy is about to deflower his girlfriend. Unbeknownst to him but ‘knownst’ to us, this girl has already been de-virginized when a baby piranha swam up her passage during the aforementioned skinny dipping scene. Right when things are reaching their intended climax, the fish nabs the guy’s junk and holds on for dear life, as he dances around the room screaming, eventually forced to cut the whole bloody mess off with a kitchen knife while his girlfriend has an unexplained, oddly brief, and strangely forgotten about seizure. There, I just laid out the best scene for you, and it’s only redeeming moment. You don’t need to see this movie.

 

My Rating: 1/10

 

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About Jesse Gelinas

After years attempting to escape the Matrix, Jesse has accepted his fate as a writer and Senior Editor. Now that's he finished with his film degree, it gives him something to do while waiting for the machines to get careless.

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