Movie Review: “The Lock In” – Laughable Christian Horror

Written by Jesse Gelinas June 25, 2014

One of our Baptist heroes from "The Lock-In"

This is Blake. Blake is awful. Get ready for 80 minutes with him.

“What would this Jesus guy do?”

“The Blair Witch Project” came out like fifteen years ago, right? Okay, I haven’t gone crazy. But apparently some people still think that whole “releasing secret footage” approach works. Such is the case with “The Lock In”, another in a line of far out Christian films this year. Unlike “Heaven Is For Real”, and “God’s Not Dead”, this found-footage horror flick, did not get a theatrical release. Instead, I had to pay $5, download this thing and watch it at home. I let this shit into my house, and now– Oh god… did you hear that?

The film introduces us first to the idea of the church lock in, terrifying in its own right. A group of teens lock themselves in a Baptist church overnight with an old pastor. Fun times ensue. We’re then shown a cast of unlikable Christian teens: Justin, the almost unseen cameraman, filming the lock in because why not? Blake, the rowdy, outrageous ringleader who just wants to have a good time. Nick, the lovelorn lead we’re supposed to relate to. And Jessica, the target of Nick’s insatiable lust. The three boys (mainly Blake), thinking it would be hilarious, bring a dirty mag they found while dumpster diving (yep) into the church. This lets the Devil in. The Devil then traps the hapless Scooby Gang alone in the church and fucks with their recording capabilities until they go insane. Why? Because porn.

“Did I intend for us to be attacked by freaking demons all over our church?”

The story here is that the footage was found (and edited) by some church pastors and was so horrifying that they immediately resigned to go sell insurance instead. This horrifying imagery includes a trash can falling over on its own, a shot of a dark hallway suddenly getting kind of yellow, a strange “Braugh!” sound coming from somewhere off-screen (about four times), and the four leads sitting on the floor talking about how they like to look at porn at home. Oh, a random child also appears and makes the same “Braugh!” sound, causing our heroes to run frantically and then spend three minutes recapping what we just saw (they do this a lot).

A possessed child in "The Lock-In"

Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn! Porn!

Everything about “The Lock In” is horrendous. The acting is terrible. The dialogue is literally the worst I’ve seen in a feature length film (I’m a proud owner of “The Room” on blu-ray for context). To the film’s credit, it does look like it was filmed on a piece of shit camcorder, and that’s the only credit it’ll get. Also, the idea that bringing a porno mag into a church will summon the Devil is just kind of– no, not even kind of, it’s just incredibly laughable. And it’s execution is even worse. We spend far too long watching these idiots stumble around the dark hallways looking for a way out. “Oh no, these GLASS DOORS are locked! Oh no, the windows won’t budge when I nudge them with my fingertips. I better not try the locks that are plainly in sight. Better to just gently tap it with this plastic chair.” At one point, I shit you not, a crew member walks into a shot, stands for a good three seconds, then just backs away.

Right here is where I’d personally attack the filmmakers, but I don’t know who they are. The company, Holy Moly Pictures (not kidding) is trying to stick to the found-footage story so hard, there isn’t a writer, director, or cast listed ANYWHERE, even online. I don’t blame them really. I wouldn’t want my name on this trash either.

“Pornography is not good. It’s gonna stick with you. It’s gonna stick in your head. It’s gonna stick in your minds for the rest of your lives… Let’s have a fun lock in.”

We all know Christian films tend to be the worst kind of shit put to film, but that’s not the point with “The Lock In”. We knew the movie would be awful. The point is the message. And the message is that porn is just terrific. It’s a boon to the economy, and a welcome release for countless people around the globe. Truly, it enriches out very existence. And occasionally it releases the power of Satan on unsuspecting idiots. Win-win?

My Rating: – 666/10

Header for "The Lock-In"

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About Jesse Gelinas

After years attempting to escape the Matrix, Jesse has accepted his fate as a writer and Senior Editor. Now that's he finished with his film degree, it gives him something to do while waiting for the machines to get careless.

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