Movie Review: “The M Word” – Meaningless

Written by Jesse Gelinas May 08, 2014

How you force most people to watch "The M Word"

 “My vagina hurts.”

I feel like sometimes we have to be reminded just how much crap gets made in Hollywood that never reaches the eyes and ears of civilized man. After watching “The M Word”, you might just wish it had stayed that way. This quirky look into the inner workings of show business might have worked on paper… but I can’t imagine how. In fact, the more I think about it the more I wonder how it ever made it past the opening pitch, let alone gathered a cast and crew. This means someone thought this “story” up, told someone, got money for it, said “I want Michael Imperioli,” and Michael Imperioli said “yes.” I’m a tad befuddled.

The movie begins with Moxie, our plucky, apparently desirable heroine, filming her mother and aunts talk about their menopause. A few minutes later while making out with Corey Feldman we discover Moxie is overdue for her period. This becomes a major plot point for the film, but not in any tangible, logical way like you’d expect (worries of pregnancy, or, you know, menopause). Instead, she just bitches about it every once in a while. Now if you’re thinking this sounds like a pretty weak setup for a movie, you’re right. But there’s more to it than young and old women not bleeding. Moxie, Feldman, and Moxie’s ex-stepfather all work at KZAM, the local (Hollywood) TV network. Moxie makes a living dressing up in quasi-animal costumes and pretending to be deranged on camera. Every scene of her show (of which there are many) made me feel a deep secondhand embarrassment for not only her character, but the actress portraying her.

“You don’t even kill spiders. I have to kill the spiders.”

“What the fuck does that have to do with sports?”

Enter Michael Imperioli as Charlie Moon, a high powered TV exec from New York, here to whip this network into shape (read as: downsize). The economy is bad, everyone is suffering,  and there’s been cuts nationwide. There’s also some mention of an embezzlement investigation but that’s not going to come up again until the last scene, so don’t worry about it. Still, Charlie professes an instant attraction to Moxie who kisses him and asks him to let her pitch her new documentary idea. She’s been filming her mother and aunts going through menopause and wants to make a show of it. It’ll appeal to the 40-65 crowd which is important now, and when asked how to sell it, Moxie’s response is “as the M-Word!” Surprisingly, Charlie and the board all love the idea, and she’s immediately made a producer and given a spot on the board. Because in Hollywood you just sort of fail upwards.

"The M Word" and its improbable romance

Moxie’s show is cancelled which makes her hate Charlie for a few minutes. Moxie continues work on her documentary, until Charlie comes in and fires a handful of old women and the only two visible-minority men in the office. Moxie declares him a liar and has the staff cuff themselves together for a lock-in. After becoming national news overnight and plugging Twitter about seven times, Moxie and Charlie reach an agreement to save forty jobs. They also immediately get back together and throw a Thanksgiving party.

“WHAT? That is so fucked up! What the fuck!”

Moxie and Charlie attempt to consummate their relationship (Moxie explains in depths how holidays make her horny), but Feldman shows up and quashes the whole thing. It’s then revealed that some random female board member (with about two lines of dialogue thus far) was secretly running things all along and still wishes to dismantle the network (with help from Feldman apparently). This is where the film’s paper-thin plot gets a little… silly. After accusing Moxie and Charlie of stealing the network’s money, Feldman is interrupted by Moxie’s stepfather. He confesses to stealing the money for some elaborate advertising scam with the Japanese (yes, all of the Japanese). Luckily for him, Moxie’s mother has secretly been selling mini-vibrators online and offers to pay back all the money. The She-Exec accepts and the party goes on, much to Feldman’s chagrin. Moxie and Charlie go back to the studio to make out, just in time for Moxie to receive the most violent period in human history, all captured on hidden cameras which broadcast the ordeal live on television… for some reason.

How do you pitch a film like "The M Word"?

“The M Word” has nothing going for it. It has no plot. It has no message. It has no deeper meaning. It barely has scenes. The editing is nonexistent, normally consisting of overlong dialogue followed by sudden hard cuts at the end of the last line (real time-saver). Imperioli does his best with the crap he’s being forced to speak, but he can’t save a single scene in this train wreck of a film. The most enjoyable thing about it is Feldman’s over the top performance which gets more unhinged as its goes on, until the majority of his lines become simply: “What the fuck?!”

“My vibrator is a monkey holding a banana.”

Indie films like this are a dime a dozen, and you’ll never hear about 99% of them. And thank god for that. “The M Word” is so confused it doesn’t even know what it wants to say, or how it wants to say it. The women of the film are all awful, cliche man-haters, and the men are all bumbling fools. Not a single line of dialogue is spent on anything resembling character or development. Not a single shot looks good or is even lit properly. It’s like “The Room” but less charming. And it doesn’t even have an excuse. It wasn’t made by some eastern-European man-beast; it has a company behind it, with money and connections. Someone paid for this dreck. Feel bad about that.

My Rating: 2.5/10

 

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About Jesse Gelinas

After years attempting to escape the Matrix, Jesse has accepted his fate as a writer and Senior Editor. Now that's he finished with his film degree, it gives him something to do while waiting for the machines to get careless.

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