Movie Review: “Alex Cross” – ALEX. IS. CROSS.

Written by Tommy October 23, 2012

Cops doin’ cop things.

 

“Alex Cross” is one of the most insulting movies I have seen all year. I don’t mean that it called me a nerd or anything. I mean that it insulted my intelligence by cramming together every single crime movie cliche that it could think of, then having the nerve to try and pretend that it didn’t. I’ll explain what I mean later. Suffice it to say, “Alex Cross” is lazy and pointless, and if you see this movie then you are the reason that, as the kids say, we can’t have nice things.

 

Skip This Part it’s Boring

Alex Cross (Tyler Perry) is a detective in the mean streets of Detroit. Not only that, but he is some kind of super detective, able to divine what someone was eating just by looking at them (he does the whole Sherlock Holmes analysis thing). Just before he can take a job with the FBI, however, he finds himself embroiled in a ridiculously boring game of cat-and-mouse with a deranged assassin known only as “Picasso” (Matthew Fox).

Let me get the good stuff out of the way first. As is always the case with awful thriller movies, the villain is leaps and bounds the most interesting thing going on, and this is no exception. Fox’s wiry physique and crazy-eyes are genuinely unsettling to look at, and he gives the movie the enthusiasm and energy it desperately needs to be considered a “thriller”or whatever it’s supposed to be. On the other end Tyler Perry is… well… he’s half good half bad. When Perry is happy, he tries to do this whole “genial father figure” kind of thing but just ends up looking like a bemused idiot (when he learns his wife is pregnant he reacts like he just saw a funny Marmaduke on the refrigerator). When he gets intense however, Perry delivers a pretty intimidating performance. He could be a decent action guy a few years down the road.

Gotta keep your body close to his arm for armlocks, nerd (also that isn’t a real move)

Crime Movie Mad Libs

Now on to the negatives. Remember how I said this movie was lazy? Well somebody start polishing my award for “understatement of the year” because holy hell does this movie detest the idea of trying anything new. Perry is THE BEST COP ON THE FORCE who has to choose between his FAMILY or his WORK, but then he has to deal with an INSANE MURDERER who is all PHILOSOPHICAL and ARTISTIC and who has a CREEPY MURDERER LAIR. Perry then turns into a LOOSE CANNON COP with nothing left to lose and *vomits uncontrollably*.

As far as the action goes, “Alex Cross” is also weak and uninspired. You’d think that being a super detective, Perry would  try to use that ability to outsmart the bad guys, or do something not dumb, but he instead opts to get into horrible shaky cam fights that no one will care about (well, he technically does use it later but it’s stupid and I’m saving that for the end). At least the action scenes had a little Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, even if it is lousy. (Matthew Fox`s triangle choke is so loose I could tap dance out.)

Now that we’re in the middle of the plot, I would like to take a moment to point out, in my opinion, the most detestable aspect of this film: the abhorrent treatment of women. All the women who speak in this movie die horrible, horrible deaths. Some of them are brutally tortured and mutilated, and all of it serves as just a plot device to give the male characters motivation.  No women accomplish anything in this film except dying grisly deaths for the sake of the plot. Blech.

I don’t even remember her name. Was she in the movie? Who can say.

Cross-Examination (of how much this sucks)

Okay so now we’re here at the ending. Up until this point, the plot has been painfully linear. Tyler Perry is hunting down The Bad Guy. That’s it. Then the movie goes into panic mode. I will try to not spoil things too much because for some reason I think you will see this movie, so here goes. Basically, the movie realizes its plot is totally stale and without any interesting plot twists or revelations, so in literally the last five minutes it ham-handedly jams in a super secret villain twist, and then has the GALL to pretend like it was setting that up the whole time. There are a grand total of two scenes involved in setting up the ending, both are five seconds long and I guarantee both were filmed like five days before shooting ended. Then it slaps on the lamest detective work you’ve ever seen in a feeble attempt to go “See? see!? He really IS a super detective! He noticed this one thing!”  UghScrew this movieThere is no reason to watch it. You will get nothing out of it. Watch it if you have a lust for CSI: New York that can’t be sated by the dozen or so marathons on TV all week.

My Rating: 4/10

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