Donald Trump will be the president of the United States. Feel that horrific chill running down your spine right now? That’s normal. Get used to it. It’s a situation 50% of Americans are reeling over, and 100% of everyone else are still attempting to process. And while everyone tries fruitlessly to come to terms with this reality, I choose to live in delusion. I wonder, aside from Hillary and Bernie, who else would have been a better candidate for US president?
5. Jafar (Aladdin)
Jafar has what Trump doesn’t: experience in politics AND sorcery. He’s a candidate who wields staggering powers in the dark arts, yet still, miraculously, holds a near-perfect standing in trustability. Statistics show that 99% of American voters who are stared down by Jafar with his magical snake staff would elect him sultan of the United States. The other 1% are filthy street rats, whom Jafar has promised to deport immediately upon beginning his sultancy.
4. President Business (The Lego Movie)
It’s in his name, so you know it’s his game. For President Business (Lord Business, if you follow the liberal media), instructions are iron-clad, not unlike The Constitution. In wayward times like these, we need a leader who plays by the book, who’s governed by a strict code of principles, who respects civic holidays like Taco Tuesday. Fascism aside, President Business is the candidate to rebuild this broken country.
3. Sauron (The Lord of the Rings)
Some call him the Lord of the Rings, others call him the Necromancer, I call him the one president to govern them all. With over a thousand years experience governing and militarizing Middle Earth, presiding over these United States would be a cake-walk for Sauron. His eye-in-the-sky approach means no incivility goes undetected. And if that’s not enough, his Ring of Power campaign exemplifies him as a strong believer in the sanctity of monogamy.
2. Scar (The Lion King)
In the wake of the 2016 election, internet journalists have compared Trump’s proposed policies to be in line with Scar’s. These claims are false, and leave the once revered reputation of a noble leader unduly besmirched. Scar has never catered to one demographic, to one race. Ever the contrarian, he pushes for the integration of hyena immigrants into our community. Scar believes that united, we all stand atop Pride Rock, but divided, we fall into a wildebeest stampede.
1. Emperor Palpatine (Star Wars)
What’s better than an outsider? An insider who thinks like an outsider. Unlike Trump, Palpatine knows his way around congress. He spent all of his formative years as Senator forming what would become the standardized policies of a new republic, a glorious empire of the galaxy. And while the Jedi Council sat around doing nothing, he was working his way up to become Chancellor, and soon after that, he was already Emperor. From day one, Palpatine has been the man with the plan, as well as the man with the planet-sized cannon. These are the qualities of an effective leader.