Alex’s Top 5 Regrettable Films

Written by Alex Bowman November 04, 2013

As human beings, it is safe to assume that our fallible natures may be our strongest weaknesses. We will always make mistakes that are caused by cloudy judgement, peer pressure, or some loud and obnoxious movie trailer that was created with every scene taken out of context accompanied by a bombastic musical score. Yes, the biggest mistake most of us can unanimously agree on is our horrible decision to go see that one movie that we thought would be amazing but turned out to be cinematic clown shoes. I am just as guilty of this and I have compiled a top 5 list of the most regrettable movies I have ever watched.

5. “The Matrix Revolutions” (The Wachowski Siblings, 2003)

“The Matrix” was incredible for its time with an original script and a great concept that really complimented the sci-fi genre as a whole. The sequel, “The Matrix: Reloaded,” was ok but, unfortunately, it could not carry the same amount of weight and gravitas as its predecessor. “The Matrix: Revolutions” is purely unforgivable. A beautiful story is molested by terrible CGI gimmicks and a brilliant cast is forced to sleepwalk through their lines as they are forced to emote to walls of green screen. Any semblance of competence that may have existed in the previous two films died with the creation of this third and final installment and I really regret not taking the blue pill.

4. “Spider-Man 3” (Sam Raimi, 2007)

Like the “Matrix” trilogy, the Spider-Man films directed by Sam Raimi just seemed to go downhill at the speed of a boulder covered in lube. The first two Spider-Man films were great because of the action, the character development and the fact that Raimi really knows how to get an audience to sympathize with both heroes and villains. Yet, “Spider-Man 3” feels a lot like Raimi just tried to cram too much in without giving us any room to take in the atmosphere of the Spider-Man mythos. I regret this film not only for the mess that it is, but also because of how much the film makes Tobey Maquire look like the biggest dork on the planet… wait a minute.

3. “Ghost Rider” (Mark Steven Johnson, 2007)

This little paragraph goes out to Hollywood personally… WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP PUTTING NICOLAS CAGE IN MOVIES? Holy dog shit, this man is the epitome of bad acting. I have never seen a film with Cage in it that I enjoyed; he has the charm and personality of spoiled milk. It doesn’t help that he decided to team up with an incompetent director and bastardize an incredibly cool comic book character that could have been handled much better with the right people involved. Terrible acting and piss-poor direction is what makes this movie a regrettable ride to hell.

2. “Wild Hogs” (Walt Becker, 2007)

I was really disappointed with this one. This movie came out when I was 17 years old and I thought to myself “I enjoy the performances of Allen and Macy, I like motorcycles and heck, maybe the performances of Travolta and Lawrence won’t be all too bad.” But, my god, this film has enough ham and cheese to put between two pieces of bread to make a sandwich. What really kills me about this film is that all four of the main leads just look and sound like they have given up on acting. None of them gives a shit and it really shows in this film. I regret watching this movie on the airplane ride to Maui because it certainly did not improve the trip.

1. The “Transformers” Trilogy (Michael Bay, 2007 – 2011)

This is just an obvious pick; it is assumed that anyone with an IQ above -12 can find some reason to regret seeing this shit. Bay is the quintessential douche nozzle and his terrible directorial duties are something to be studied for fear of not repeating them. I kept watching the sequels hoping that Bay would smarten up and deliver an adaptation with some intelligence and grace but I may as well have hoped for a brand new Corvette personally delivered by Jimmy Hoffa while I was at it. These movies are thumb screws; slow and indescribable pain without any hint of mercy or release. I regret wholly watching all three of these films because I may have lost a a boatload of brain cells in the process.

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