Coming up with a top 5 regrettable film list was difficult. Believe me, there are plenty of awful films deserving as many possible Golden Raspberries. However, if I can’t stand what I’m watching, I’ll usually shut it off. If I know something is going to be awful, I usually won’t go see it. There are some films that I thought would be decent, but I was wrong – others I wish I never even knew existed. Here are my Top 5 Regrettable Films. Unless you have a really good reason, don’t watch these films. By the way, being bored out of your head is not one of them.
5. “Breaking Dawn Part I” (Bill Condon, 2011)
Confession: I didn’t want to put any “Twilight Saga” films on this list. Sure, maybe it’s not the best book to film series, but it gets enough bad publicity. As someone who read the books, I can tell you there were details in the films accurate to the series. For example, a disappointing first part of “Breaking Dawn.” Once Bella and Edward’s wedding is over, there’s nothing but a violent birth scene – and that takes about an hour-and-a-half to get to. If you’re going to watch any of the “Twilight” films, “Breaking Dawn Part I” is the most regrettable. While I haven’t seen the final film of the series, I’m reluctant to just because of this film.
4. “The Benchwarmers” (Dennis Dugan, 2006)
“The Benchwarmers” taught me one thing: never give into something because others say it’s “cool.” I wasn’t forced to watch this film per se, but I remember hearing from other classmates that it was funny. I rented the film a year later, excited to laugh a lot. The majority of the “The Benchwarmers” didn’t make me laugh. After one fart joke, the film went downhill from there. I was also looking forward to seeing John Heder after “Napoleon Dynamite,” but I was still disappointed. Spending my time with this film was regrettable for sure.
3. “The Ring” (Gore Verbinski, 2002)
Do you stay at home and watch films on Halloween, then regret not going out? I did when I saw “The Ring.” For a thriller, I wasn’t even scared. Actually, I was more amused by the old and clunky cell phones in this film. The rest of “The Ring,” on the other hand, is mundane and dull. Literally, I spent the entire film just waiting to be scared… but nothing. What is scary is that the producers thought a remake is still frightening. Maybe this film is the reason why my family lacked trick-or-treaters that year.
2. “Psycho” (Gus Van Sant, 1998)
Alfred Hitchcock’s “Psycho” is fantastic. The remake? Not so much. I regret this is my first exposure to a 1960s classic. When you see Vince Vaughn on the screen, you know it’s the wrong film. Now, I will say the on-screen violence was creepy, but Hitchcock’s version was renowned and praised for its off-screen violence. Heck, the original is terrifying because you’re forced to imagine the murders. Vaughn also makes a terrible Norman Bates; you cannot take him seriously when his character is seen dressed up like his mother. Actually, why didn’t they just re-release the film with cool additional features then? Looks like I regret horror film remakes, will a third one crown the list? Hold onto that thought.
1. “Super Mario Bros.” (Rocky Morton & Annabel Jankel, 1993)
As someone who grew up with the iconic Nintendo games, I was looking forward to seeing this film. Kudos to the writer of “Super Mario Bros.” for attempting to make the narrative barely close to the games; Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) save Princess Daisy (Samantha Mathis) from King Koopa. Princess Peach is kidnapped more often, but the film still sounds accurate, right? Not once you actually step into the world of the “Super Mario Bros.” If you’re eager to see the bright cartoon-like Mushroom Kingdom filled with fun critters, you will regret watching this film. The setting looks damp, smelly and like the sewer pipe it belongs in. Although I initially liked it, thinking about the film, and listening to “The Legend of Zelda: Abridged” creator adamwestslapdog’s rant made me change my mind. Either way, the set design is bizarre and that’s saying something about games filled with plenty of kooky characters and adventures. You’re better off playing one of the games for nostalgia because unlike the film, it’s fun and worth your time.