Have you ever watched Freddy vs. Jason and thought to yourself, ‘This is good, but what if they KISSED?’ Well then, this is the list for you! Punishing pesky prurient pretty-boys and girls for their lack of purity has been the job of horror monsters for years. Slasher films in particular have a sordid sexy history, with tropes surrounding virginity and survival so ubiquitous that they’ve been examined and lampooned in both the Scream and Scary Movie franchises respectively. But what about the monsters themselves? What goes on when they bump in the night? You might think that their evil nature is due to pent-up sexual frustration–but you’d be wrong. These horror-shows all get it on regularly–with each other! Let’s take a look at the top five sexiest horror hookups. No, they may not have happened on film, and yes, they may leave you emotionally scarred, but this is all about what’s hot, not what’s right. Even a horrible godless serial-killing monstrosity needs love, and sometimes a happy ending. They enjoy the little deaths to give you the big ones. They take off their pants to scare off yours. And when they meet after hours, behind closed doors and in the darkest parts of your nightmares, you can bet they’re giving each other some top-notch low-brow lovin’. Here are the top five sexiest head-cannon monster mashes we could think of. They may not have happened–but let’s face it, after you read this list, it’ll be like they did.
Honourable mentions: Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers – masks off; A three-way between Clive Barker, Wes Craven, and John Carpenter; A bunch of scary dolls and puppets doing scary doll and puppet sex
5) Norman Bates – Psycho (1960) & and the Xenomorph Queen – Aliens (1986)
It’s time to get some mommy issues resolved, as Norman Bates and a giant alien egg queen hash things out over candlelit human corpses. This is one of those couplings that seems abnormal at first…and throughout, but becomes more obvious the longer you stare in horrified awe. They both have a penchant for cold, wet places and both think that family is very, very important. It only makes sense that they hook up on the regular. And yeah, you bet your ass it’s sexy—Bates gets all up in the queen’s slick alien business and makes himself at home. “It’s like being born,” he sputters with glee as her acid blood boils sensuously. Then—oh boy—she kisses him all over, first with her big mouth, then with with her little one. In space, you won’t hear a scream, but you’ll definitely hear a moan…and the gentle whisper of a man saying, ‘call me Norma.’
4) The Cenobites – Hellraiser (1987) & The T-800 – Terminator (1984)
Sure, the Cenobites are all about exploring the limits of pleasure and pain—but can they teach an Austrian killer robot how to love? You’ll be dying to know when they meet on a hot summer evening after the T-800 solves an ancient puzzle box with robotic efficiency. Pinhead can’t wait to get his hooks in that sweet artificial flesh and push the T-800’s CPU past SOS to S&M to DTF. But a robot from the future is always going to be a step ahead, as he anticipates the Cenobites’ moves and turns the tables on Butterball and the Chatterer with some mechanical masochism of his own. With these fun-loving swingers there are always toys in the bedroom; whips, chains, hooks, and an assortment of stolen guns are used to stoke the flames of passion. Sure, from a distance it looks like a robot fighting a bunch of sex demons. But sometimes that’s just love. Who are we to judge?
3) The Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog – Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975) & The Stay Puft Marshmallow Man – Ghostbusters (1984)
The biggest and the smallest world-killers around come together to get their smoosh on after vanquishing their pesky foes. Yes, it’s the Killer Rabbit and the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man! There’s no holy hand grenades or proton packs to protect you here as these two find love atop the ruins of a long dead civilization. When their masters aren’t home, the fur and the foam fly. Stay Puft is a gentle lover, but the Rabbit’s all tooth and claw, leaving love marks in the giant’s soft mushy exterior. That’s okay, he doesn’t mind—their love is as pure as snow, which is fitting because when it gets to the good part it looks a hell of a lot like a blizzard. You won’t be able to tell where the Rabbit begins and Stay Puft ends—and that’s just the way they like it, right up until the big finish:
2) Pennywise – It (1990) / Cujo – Cujo (1983) & Christine – Christine (1983)
This is it, the Steven King fantasy fun-round! And yes, it is a three-way between a clown, a dog, and a car. The headlights meet the Deadlights to the delight of us all when Pennywise comes a-calling on Christine and brings his favourite pooch for fun. Whether it’s behind the wheel or in the backseat, Pennywise and Cujo are gonna get her motor revving. Thing is, if you know Christine at all—you know you don’t drive her, she drives you. While that crazy clown’s busy gripping the clutch Cujo is getting funky in the trunk. But the chrome crimson beauty isn’t just gonna lie back with these two evil studs inside her. Nah, instead she drives them crazy with her dulcet engine purs, leaving the old clown giggling and teaching the hound some new tricks. And this all happens whiles Cujo’s furry drool gets Pennywise foaming at the mouth. “Everything floats down here,” Pennywise sighs, as he releases a bouquet of balloons in ecstatic tribute. But to enjoy the full scene you’ll have to read Mr. King’s 3000-page novella, which he wrote over a long weekend, on an old typewriter he keeps near the toilet.
1) Darkness – Legend (1985) & The Wicked Witch of the West – The Wizard of Oz (1939)
Darkness and the Wicked Witch–the sexiest horror coupling ever. It takes a lot to be both the Lord of Darkness AND Darkness itself, but that’s all part of why the Wicked Witch likes him so much. Well, that and the horns, and the abs, and the voice. But she’s no slouch in the sexy department either, with her evil green skin, and looks spanning the spectrum from Margaret Hamilton to Mila Kunis. Darkness loves a woman with power, and having dominion over an entire direction makes the Wicked Witch one bad-ass powerful lady. Of course this gruesome twosome likes to get down in dry, dark places, sending their goblins and flying monkeys home for the night. Sometimes it’s not just power, but vulnerability, that makes someone sexy, and this couple sport some of the most iconic weaknesses film monsters have ever had. Hiding from water and daylight, it doesn’t take long for Darkness and the Wicked Witch to become a Red Green show on repeat—handsome and handy. Christmas comes early, and often. She shows him how she rides the broom, and he tells her there’s a reason why the sun sets in the West. When Darkness falls, panties drop. She grips his horns and can’t help but moan, “I’m melting, I’m melting…”
It’s friggin’ hot. Trust me.
Sweaty, exhausted, panting, breathless–oh, you too, eh? Take a long drag from your after-pleasure oral-fixation cigarette and let us know what you thought of our list. Did it tickle your fancy, or some other part of your body? Would you have gone with a different order? Are you upset at the lack of universal monsters, or were you expecting King Kong and Godzilla to show up and get down? Whatever floats your boat (and maybe rocks it too!), let us know in the comments below. And, as always in October, Happy Halloween!