Holiday Highway: Top 5 Christmas Villains

Written by Alex Bowman December 22, 2012

The holidays are upon us so grab your family, friends and a bottle of eggnog. There is nothing like that special time of year where you are allowed to bask in the wonders of materialism and over eating while still trying to promote the true meaning of Christmas. However, when Christmas rears its over-decorated head, there is always that one guy who feels the need to piss on the Christmas goose and remind us how much the holidays suck. Without further delay, here are the top 5 biggest Christmas villains.

5. Jack Frost (The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause)

This one is pretty low on the list because “The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause” is a lot like a festive fruitcake (nobody likes it). However, Jack Frost is the quintessential bunghole when it comes to ruining Christmas. Jack Frost steals the title of Santa Claus and turns the North Pole into a Santa’s Village complete with selfish, bratty kids and their idiot parents. Nothing like a constant reminder of what a trip to the mall is going to be like when you go for your Christmas shopping. Jack Frost ruins Christmas by reminding us of what the true meaning of Christmas is all about: mindless consumerism.

4. Horde Prime (He-Man and She-Ra Christmas Special)

Oh, this guy is pretty high up on the naughty list. This faceless horror has the most diabolic scheme ever created by an evil galactic entity: DESTROY CHRISTMAS! Even though this makes very little sense seeing as how Christmas is an abstract and the people of Eternia have never even heard of Christmas, this is still pretty evil. This also goes to show how truly evil Horde Prime really is; he is so bored with fighting He-Man and She-Ra that he has to spend his time destroying a holiday tradition that is not even in his own galaxy. Somebody needs to get this guy an award for being a royal Christmas douche, I’m pretty sure he deserves it.

3. Scut Farkus (A Christmas Story)

For some reason people have it in their heads that, when Christmas rolls around, everything has to be perfect; nothing can go wrong because our brains just wouldn’t be able to handle the pressure. All you need is one monkey wrench to be thrown into the Christmas machine and you might as well just pack away the decorations and hide in your room until February. Meet the monkey wrench: Scut Farkas. This kid just manages to suck the fun out of Christmas; the constant bully that has to pick on you when you’re down, make you feel like complete reindeer dookie and just suck the joy out of the freshly fallen snow. Whatever happened to good will towards men? I’m pretty sure this kid killed it. Moral of the story: don’t be around gingers during the holidays, they will make you cry.

2. Death a.k.a The Ghost of Christmas Future (A Christmas Carol)

Ask yourself this question: what goes through your head when you think of Christmas? Being with family and friends, helping out others in need, bringing joy to others? Not according to “A Christmas Carol.” When you think of Christmas there is only one thing that you should be thinking about: you are going to die. Yep, Death is the ultimate party pooper when it comes to Christmas celebrations. Nothing like having to come to grips with the inevitability of your own mortality when you see your reflection in a Christmas bauble. Somebody get this guy a candy cane.

1. Santa Claus (Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer)

Think about it, I mean REALLY think about it. Santa Claus is the penultimate Christmas villain. He is a horrible icon that should not be idolized or praised and “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” provides a perfect checklist for why Santa is a total Christmas bastard. He whines and complains about having to do his job, he’s mean to his overly-supportive wife, he promotes forced labor by making the elves work what I’m assuming are ungodly hours, and to top it all off he promotes animal cruelty by forcing the reindeer to pull the sleigh during a life-threatening blizzard all while giving the world’s biggest guilt trip. Good thing Santa Claus doesn’t exist or I’d roast his chestnuts on an open fire. Surely, this demoralizing bully that breaks into our homes and watches our children sleep is a great icon to cherish and respect during the holidays. Merry Christmas, you filthy animal. And a Happy New Year.

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