I don’t regret watching a lot of movies. There’s always some small thing inside every movie that at least warrants some praise, even if it comes in the form of a backhanded compliment. The following five films are the five most regrettable views ever, and I do hope I never have to update this list.
5. “Temptation” (Tyler Perry, 2012)
I watched “Temptation” on a lark because I had never actually seen a Tyler Perry film, and I at least needed to see one to justify my ruthless criticism of him. Thankfully I watched “Temptation” because it is the most inept and confused film in Perry’s filmography. His direction is piss-poor and everyone manages to overact while still keeping a painfully flat face on. More importantly though the gender politics of the film are terrible. Perry holds the incredibly misogynistic view of women that they just crave sex, and can’t make any good decisions without the guidance of a man. That often appears in any of his “comedies” but what makes “Temptation” especially grating is how idolized and fetishized the male body is, since everyone is handsome and charming and absolutely ripped, while Perry preaches about the sanctity of marriage and not being swayed by appearances. By the end of the absolutely ridiculous and melodramatic last act, “Temptation” has become less about people dealing with adultery and more about Perry trying to figure out his own skewed gender politics and fascination with the male form.
4. “Do The Right Thing” (Spike Lee, 1989)
Apparently hating “Do the Right Thing” makes me racist. All I know is that the first time I saw this movie I was infuriated by everything Spike Lee put on screen. Every character is a terrible person for no damn reason. I’m supposed to sympathize for Mookie (Spike Lee) because he’s been put down by the man, but the only thing keeping him down is his own selfish ass. By turning every character of colour into a prick, especially Buggin Out (Giancarlo Esposito) and Radio Raheem (Bill Nunn), I would argue that “Do the Right Thing” actively hinders the African-American cause. Spike Lee tries to introduce the conflicting views of Martin Luther King Jr. and Malcolm X throughout the film, but instead of inciting the audience to reflect on what each leader represents it just muddles the politics of the film and demonstrates that Spike Lee really doesn’t know what he’s talking about – and hasn’t engaged in his own politics. I don’t get angry often, but I have never been angrier than after seeing “Do The Right Thing.”
3. “The Tuxedo” (Kevin Donovan, 2002)
Though I laughed at and disdained “Temptation” and loathed “Do The Right Thing,” I still watched both films from beginning to end. “The Tuxedo” holds the honour of being the first film I ever walked out of. Starring Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love-Hewitt, “The Tuxedo” is about the secret spy tuxedo that Jackie Chan wears that turns him into a kickass fighter. Everything is inept about the film, from the direction to the acting to the story, and it is easily the worst Jackie Chan film ever.
2. “Cloud Atlas” (Lana & Andy Wachowki, Tom Twyker, 2012)
What a pretentious piece of garbage. It’s a three-hour film about how everything is connected. Wooo. Is that supposed to impress me? All “Cloud Atlas” did was waste three hours of my time. Some of the individual stories are cool but they don’t amount to anything, and the editing between the stories is dreadful. Never have I watched a more tone-deaf film, highlighted by the crosscutting between a sequence where Jim Broadbent escapes from a retirement home/prison, while in the 70’s Halle Berry escapes from a hitman who shoots dogs and says “fuck” a lot. It swings from pretty stupid slapstick to hardcore chase at random in this sequence to the point that I wanted my money back. The Wachowski’s had one good movie in them, and “Cloud Atlas” reflects just how piss-poor they can be.
1. “Hellraiser: Deader” (Rick Bota, 2005)
I threw this particular gem into the DVD player for a lark after watching the first two awesome ‘Hellraiser” movies, just to see how well the series had aged after a couple sequels. “Hellraiser: Deader” is the most incomprehensible and asinine “horror” movie ever made, filled with dank shots of Bucharest and uninspired everything. Pinhead doesn’t even show up until the hour mark of this 88 minute movie. “Hellraiser: Deader” has an indescribable horribleness to it that makes my insides shiver; if I had the choice I would open the Lament Configuration and become a Cenobite rather than watch this film.