An Enlightened Withdrawal from Television

Written by Lauren January 27, 2012

Visibly rattled by the lack of TV over the holidays

It was a long holiday break. Sure, a break filled with good times, family bonding, and reminiscing of the old days, but a long one nonetheless.

If you’re anything like me, you cherish these moments, but more than that, you cherish your time after all the noise when it’s just you, a lazyboy, a bowl of cereal, and a remote control.

But even though I was exceptionally prepared; encased in my throne with my hand expertly navigating the remotes’ buttons while the television roared to life before me, there was something amiss. Apparently, as if Hollywood hotshots don’t already have it easy enough, they get vacations just like us. Enter the winter hiatus.

Shows fizzle out and end with a startling cliff hanger or an adorable holiday themed episode. But the key point is, it’s over.

So there I was, cocooned on my lazyboy with my mouth agape and my hand dramatically hovering over the remote control. What the hell do I do now?

Admittedly, I was frantic. Reruns? Settle for copious amount of stale 90’s sitcoms? That just wasn’t a reality I could face. My unnecessary moment of panic prompted self reflection and a deep inward reflection.

However, my unnecessary moment of panic prompted self reflection as I dwelled on the ridiculous amount of hours I’ve presumably wasted watching these shows. Why am I preposterously addicted and dependant on these shows. What do I really gain other than short lived enjoyment and one-liners to recycle as my own? It’s not like I learn anything from these shows.

Or do I?

MODERN FAMILY: what I have in boozy aunts, hippie grandparents, creepy cousins, and vampire reminiscent siblings, Modern Family competes with a maturely suave adolescent, flamboyant uncle, vivacious stepmother, and a quirky cheerleading husband.

Lesson learned: Don’t be ashamed. We all have wacky families. And we love them regardless.

COMMUNITY: Greendale. A place where an elderly racist can speak freely, and a cross dressing Dean can flaunt through campus. A school where paintball wars reach new extremes, and a Spanish professor can become a student turned campus cop. A home to a prestigious Luis Guzmán statue and all sketchy misfit students of the area. Greendale, a place where dreams go to die.

Lesson learned: It’s all fun and games until you realize you need an actual education to succeed.

NEW GIRL: being extremely nerdy and despairingly awkward in social situations, will actually not only make you friends, but inspire a few potential suitors. However, you will have really desperately bad and uncomfortable sex. Figures.

Lesson learned: You just can’t have it all.

2 BROKE GIRLS: Working hard at an honest job, around the clock, wearing yourself thin while juggling numerous other commitments, actually won’t get you any closer to your goals. (The goals that you can evidently only achieve through having money.) What you can achieve though is a lifetime of bitterness and pessimistic wit.

Lesson learned: You can’t buy your goals, and working hard is for chumps.

GREY’S ANATOMY: season after season we are confronted with this team of allegedly highly intelligent and extremely talented doctors. Doctors whose personal problem solving methods have included: tequila, whining, dancing, beer, avoidance, building houses, whiskey, crying, sex, and martinis. All set to a constant musical loop of the Fray. No wonder there are so many causalities on the show.

Lesson learned: Alcohol won`t fix your problems.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE: personally, my computer is clogged with SNL videos. Sketches of more cowbell, Brian Fellow animal shows, motivational speakers, celebrity jeopardy, ‘schweddy balls’, Chippendale dancers, Gumby, and Wayne’s World, are constantly buffering in the background. And I laugh along with the studio audience, every time. Cut to the present.

Lesson learned: We aren’t nearly as funny as we think we are.

Time well wasted. And now, at last, I can dish out the cheerios and retreat once more back to my recliner. Time to indulge my useless obsession.

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